VOICE & VISION

Well, this morning when I woke up there was an animal in my stomach eating away at my insides.  It had sharp little teeth, like a shark’s, and a fierce expression. So I figured I’d try and get rid of it.  I doused it with a very strong cup of coffee, then a shot of whiskey.  Well, that just made the damn thing all the more frisky, so I decided the best idea was to ignore it.  I had to be funny all day today and it was getting me down, I mean really down.  I thought about ringing Robin Williams, but figured he’d be too busy working on his Mork routine to talk right now.  Mindy was flaking, really not operating on all four cylinders.   Typical.

I sat on the edge of my bed, looked out the window.  On the line next door I could see a pink night-dress and a pillow-slip.  It would be good to ring Marilyn Monroe.  Really great.  Then I remembered she was dead.  I wondered for a minute if I should change my name.  I mean, Rowan is a girls name, but then I guess it’s too late now.  Should have thought of that before I got famous.

I’ve got a worm farm in the garden.  I went to feed the worms my potato peels from the night before.  The peels were still sitting in an ice-cream container on the bench.  That’s when I thought of calling John Banks.  I put the idea out of my mind.  It’s important not to give certain thoughts too much attention, like the thought you’d like to run in front of a bus, for instance.  A psychologist told me that once.  It’s best not to give that sort of thought too much attention.  I fed the worms in my worm farm their potato peels.  They seemed to like them.

It was then that Meryl Streep dropped in.  Now, I wasn’t expecting her, so I felt pretty awkward about it.  She was dressed in a wollen suit, a dull green.  Well, that was just as well.  I mean, she’s quite good looking and so it was a relief that she was wearing that dull  green wollen suit.  The thing is she has a very feminine nose.  I decided the best thing was not to look at her feminine nose, so I focused lower down.  Meryl streep said:

Hi, Rowan.

Oh, I’ve changed my name to Sally, I said.

It just popped out, before I could stop it.  Meryl said she thought it suited me rather well.

Thanks, I said.

I thought maybe if I put my black cape on I’d feel more Manly, so I ran into the bedroom, started rummaging around in the cupboard.  I was humming: Dress for success under my breath.

Then I remembered Meryl Streep’s shoulder pads.  I stopped  humming dress for success.  I couldn’t seem to find my black cape, but I found a hat with a feather in it, so I put that on instead.

Just then George Clooney and that guy who plays Mark Green on E.R. came rushing in. I figured they’d come to extract the animal in my gut, the one with sharp teeth and a fierce expression.  I wanted it out, of course, but I had to be funny all day.  I  didn’t feel ready for surgery. Also I  wasn’t sure of their qualifications.  I made a dash for the back door.